Come In From The Cold

Do you ever feel like a tourist in your own life? 

And not in a fun "Oh isn't my life exciting?!" kind of way. More like a feeling of maybe not quite fitting in, or just being on the outside looking in. 

I have a particular affinity for a Joni Mitchell song called "Come in From the Cold", and of course the lyrics are amazing, because Joni Mitchell is a ridiculously talented artist, but also because a chorus proclaiming "All I ever wanted was just to come in from the cold..." really speaks to me in a way I can't quite put my finger on. 

This vague 'outside looking in' feeling persists in most situations, and has, for most of my life. Feeling like a guest instead of at ease when visiting family in states I no longer call home. Not feeling queer enough in LGBTQ spaces because I'm married to a man and so it isn't apparently obvious that I'm not straight. Feeling a little out of place in the leadership team at my 9-5 work because I don't have a college degree, don't own a single power suit, and am not particularly good at networking. Feeling like an outsider in creative circles because I get nervous around large groups of people, particularly people I feel are considerably more talented and successful than I am, and so have a hard time not just reverting to quiet observation instead of interaction.

I don't know what makes that feeling go away. I thought it would be achieving some measure of success, so I would feel "legitimate", but, unless I just haven't hit the right level of success yet, I don't think that's it. So, if it's not success that makes imposter syndrome go away, then how does one overcome that uncomfortable feeling of not belonging? Asking for a friend. (Just kidding, all my friends have their shit together way more than I do, or at least are very confident in not having their shit together). 

I wish I knew what the magic combination of success, confidence, talent, and stick-to-itiveness is that makes one feel like they have a definitive right to take up space in circles they would be otherwise welcome in, save for their own inhibitions and fears. Since I don't have that recipe yet, I'm just taking it one step at a time. I'm attending regular creative entrepreneur meetings, I'm having fun with our photography clients and continually learning better ways to serve them, I'm attending Pride parades and equality marches, I'm doing my best at my daytime work to not feel like a fraud, though I draw the line at purchasing un-ironic power suits. And what else can one do really, besides keep moving forward? 

What do you do that helps you when imposter syndrome comes on strong or when you feel like an outsider? If you do nothing else, just remember that you're not alone. 

--Sam 

Some Days You Just Don't Have It

Like Today, For instance. 

Today I don't have it. To be honest, I didn't really have it yesterday either. I'm not 100% sure what it is, but likely, it's some combination of patience, energy to do things, and time to do them.

My celebration of Mother's Day was largely the receiving of the sweetest Mother's Day card known to mom-kind from my amazing kiddo, Ben, and then building a fort outside in the hammock using blankets and pillows and then snuggling in said fort for a ridiculously long portion of the day, shirking my responsibilities (like blog writing and laundry folding). I didn't have it that day either, and felt guilty about not doing much of anything, even though it was Mother's Day, and even though I finished editing a wedding for a wonderful couple!

The mother of a friend of Ben's messaged me the other day to apologize for missing Ben's birthday party. Her excuse? The had a house fire and are currently living in a hotel. A freaking house fire. And she's apologizing to me about missing Ben's birthday party. 

Women do this to themselves Every. Damn. Day. Every day, we feel guilty for not doing more, not being more, not having unlimited emotional and physical resources to give to our loved ones, our friends, or hell, even strangers. We exhaust ourselves with a laundry list of expectations (pun intended) and work ourselves practically to death, or at least to illness. Speaking of illness, we secretly don't mind getting sick because it's the only time we can rest at least a little guilt free (maybe). 

Recognizing this, I'd still be lying if I said I was going to stop. I'm probably not. And neither are you. But I can get a little more honest about it. Try to catch myself doing it a little more. Give myself a little more grace to have off days (yes days, plural). And I hope you will too. 

And I know this isn't the world's best blog post, but hey, some days you just don't have it. And that's okay. 

--Sam 

9 Things I'm Afraid Of

Admitting it is the first step... 

It's easy as a small business owner, a creative, a mom, and a woman to pretend like I have it all together. Some days I might even actually have it all together (or most of it). But other days... Other days it's all I can do to get dressed and not yell at anyone. Some days it's hard not to let my fears win. So, I'm stepping out on a limb here and guessing that many of you have felt the same way from time to time. Afraid, overwhelmed, frustrated. And I want you to know that you're not alone. I'll kick us off with 9 things I personally am really afraid of. 

1. Missing out on my son's childhood 

As any working parent knows, mom (or dad) guilt can creep in at any time, and the hours you spend working, or even desperately trying to catch up on some sleep, can make you feel guilty when you see how quickly your children are growing up. Let alone carving out personal self-care time (ha!). The advice I've been trying to give myself, and that I'll give you here, is to take a deep breath. Recognize that you're doing the best you can. Make little efforts to be more present with your children when you are spending time with them, and that's what they'll remember. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway. 

2. Never being good enough

Admittedly, I have classic over-achiever syndrome, which has led me to some really significant accomplishments but also some really neurotic thinking about what "good enough" really means. (Hint: It doesn't mean perfect, even though sometimes that's how it feels.) I have a tendency to never view anything I do as good enough, and that leads me into my next fear...

3. Being Unlovable

There, I said it. Unlovable. That's probably one of my biggest fears right there, maybe at the root of all my other ones to be honest. This fear presents itself in the worry that if I'm not perfect (and of course, no one is), that I won't be lovable. That's it's not who I am that matters, but what I do. This type of thinking is a slippery slope, because if to be loved, one has to be perfect, then  that means there's no hope of being loved. Now, I know that isn't really true, and that feelings aren't facts, but that's a mighty big feeling to just ignore, and it's something I work on constantly. 

4. That I won't be taken seriously as a creative business owner because I still have a full-time job 

This is a tough one. I love my job! I work for an employee-owned benefits administration company that has a strong female leadership team, and a great atmosphere. I have 14 people that work directly for me, and I really appreciate them, and love the opportunity to help them develop professionally! But there's a big stigma for small business owners that you haven't "made it" until you've quit your day job to do your creative pursuits full-time. And honestly, I have bought into that lie in the past, and still do sometimes. But, what that stigma doesn't take into account is the unique circumstances we all find ourselves in. A person might love their creative career as an outlet, but need a more steady income than it can provide on it's own. Why shouldn't they do both? Another creative business owner might have a strong passion for both their day job and their creative work, and if that's the case, why should they have to limit themselves? I used to hide the fact that I had a full-time job and I'm super done with that. I'm going to try to normalize and de-stigmatize creatives who do more than one thing, because if anyone can pull that off, it's small business owners who know how to get creative with their time! 

5. That I won't be able to stop obsessing about my weight 

I have struggled with weight for as long as I can remember, and while I exercise more regularly, and eat more healthily, than I ever have in my life, I'm at one of my highest adult weights right now. I don't hold these types of unrealistic standards for other people, but going back to that 'never good enough' fear, I feel like not being able to lose weight is an outward expression of me failing at... something? Not exercising hard enough or often enough (even though I'm very consistent). Not restricting myself enough (I live in Wisconsin for goodness sake! Do you know how much cheese there is here?!) And while I have struggled with this, and will likely continue to struggle with it, I've been really trying to remind myself that a life well-lived is worth more than a number on the scale. I exercise, I eat healthily most of the time, and I can still enjoy a brownie or a beer and the world isn't going to end. And the world isn't going to end if I can't fit into those jeans again. And on the flip side, my life isn't going to suddenly start just because I lose weight. My life is now, and I'll enjoy it whatever size I am, and hope that my friends and family love me unconditionally enough to support that stance. 

6. Failure

I get it. Most of us are afraid of failure. I mean, it's FAILURE, of course it's scary. I'm afraid that maybe I'm not actually good at anything or maybe I'm not cut out to be a small business owner or a manager or <insert whatever thing I'm currently worried about> and the list goes on and on and on. I don't really have any words of wisdom other than failing doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you unworthy. And if I do fail (as I sometimes will), it's the fact that I can learn from that and move forward that is important, not avoiding failure in the first place, which, as we all well know, isn't always possible. 

7. Success

Yeah, I know. Seems weird to be afraid of success when you're really worried about failure, but hear me out. What if I'm successful and then more people are counting on me and then I mess up?! What if I'm successful and it turns out that all those times I failed before were because I wasn't trying hard enough or I wasn't perfect or because I ate that second (okay, third) cookie. What then? Well... Who cares. It's fine. I'll be as successful as I can be, and accept failure graciously when it happens (probably with some crying because that's how I roll), and then move on about my day. It's the only thing to do really. 

8. That I will witness or experience something completely wacky and that no one will believe me

Okay, this is a silly fear, admittedly, but seriously! Hasn't anyone else ever worried about this? It used to keep me up at night as a teenager worrying that something really weird would happen, I'd tell someone about it, and they'd have me locked up because they thought I was crazy. This is still an irrational fear that plagues me from time to time, and I just have to acknowledge it, and let it pass, and kind of chuckle at myself for being a little silly. 

9. That people will find out I'm a fraud 

Impostor Syndrome; The struggle is real. I feel like a kid who is playing dress-up like 90% of the time. I didn't feel like a real adult when I started my business or had my kid or bought my house or got a divorce or got a 'real' job or got remarried or any of those things. Which means I'm starting to think there isn't anything I'm going to be able to do to feel legit anytime soon. I constantly worry about people thinking I'm a fraud or that I don't belong <insert some place I totally do probably belong>.  So, since I'm not likely to stop feeling like a fraud or an outsider, the least I can do is be myself, even if I'm sometimes kind of immature, sometimes kind of an old lady (8 PM bedtime anyone?) and sometimes just a weird, goofy person. If I'm as authentic as possible, and people still don't like or respect me, at least they don't like and respect the real me, and I can live with that. 

So there, friends. Those are 9 of my biggest fears, some silly, some not, but all a big part of who I am. Be brave today and share one of your fears in the comments section. *solidarity* 

--Sam 

Love Letters

There are as many kinds of love letters as there are loves...

I've never been particularly good with words (sorry blog readers), but if I've learned anything at all in my 32 years, it's that there are a million ways to show someone you love them. Sure, sometimes it's not a physical letter, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful.

• Slipping a note into your Mom's lunch box before she leaves for her 3rd shift job
• Writing I love you in the ice on a car windshield in the middle of Winter (or Spring, if you're in WI)
• Doing dishes and cooking dinner for your husband or wife because they've had a terrible day
• Holding your infant son while he cries and rocking him back to sleep 
• Telling someone you adore them, because you haven't worked up the courage to use the 'L' word 
• Being there for a friend when they need it most 
• Grocery shopping for your Dad while he's recovering from surgery
• Spending days on your wedding vows so that they're perfect 

In my personal life, words aren't my strongest skill, and it seems the more I care about something (or someone) the harder a time I have articulating the things I'm trying to say. If you've ever received an email or text from me that seemed super well put together and you swear that the above sentence isn't true, let me assure you that you didn't see the 17 message drafts I made before the one I sent you! When I struggle to find the best, most perfect words, I wistfully think about how much easier I find it to express  myself with imagery. I actually don't photograph my son, Ben, or husband, Adam, all that often (well, I'm sure they think it's a lot), but when I do, I find myself just in awe of every detail. I'm fascinated by their them-ness. I LOVE photographing Ben and Adam, and while those photographs are a little different than what I provide to my clients (mostly because I give Ben and Adam absolutely no direction and they're both definitely over having their picture taken), I adore them just the same. When I edit family photos, it's like I'm able to commit every line, every freckle, every eyelash to memory, and there have been times it has brought me to tears of joy. 

So on this Valentine's day, I'll leave you with two things: 

First, tell your family and friends you love them. Tell them in a million little and big ways every day that you care about them, and that you're there for them, and what they mean to you. 

Second, I humbly present a little love letter to my family, taken during our annual Fall Family Fun trip to Schuster's Farm. I love these two dudes so much it's ridiculous. 

Happy Valentine's Day! 

--Sam 

What Comfort Zone?

I can't even see my comfort zone from here! 

Something I've really been working on over the past year has been stepping outside of my comfort zone and reaching out to other people more (you know, people that don't live in the same house as I do). I have a tendency to isolate, especially in winter, and as we've continued along our entrepreneurial journey, I've definitely recognized my own need to spend more time with other creatives, entrepreneurs, and like-minded folks, outside of my normal social circles. 

Everyone has their super-outside-of-my-comfort-zone-but-really-good-for-me thing, right? Mine is that I know I should reach out to other people more. I know it energizes me helps get my creative juices flowing again when I'm in a slump. I know that it helps me feel less alone, because being an entrepreneur can feel lonely sometimes, even when you still have a day job. And yet... 

Reasons why I put off making new creative friends

• Making new friends as an adult is hard
• It's easy to convince myself I'm too busy (been there, right?) 
• I feel guilty for taking time to socialize when I have so much stuff to do (see above)
• It's easier to never reach out than it is to risk the rejection of putting yourself out there
• It can sometimes be hard to remember the #CommunityOverCompetition mindset
• Creating and maintaining friendships, professional or otherwise, takes work 

Reasons why I should ignore the list above 

• Spending time with other creative or entrepreneurial people makes me feel creative and happier 
• The sense of community I get from spending time with other small business owners is AMAZING
• My husband and child are probably tired of me hanging around the house all the time 
• Never underestimate the healing power of a good, creative conversation over a cup of coffee (or a Margarita)

So what am I doing about it? 

• Whenever I think to myself "I bet that person is really fun to hang out with!" I actually ask them to hang out! 
• I've started attending the Rising Tide Society's Tuesdays Together meetings on a monthly basis to network with other entrepreneurs at all stages of business development
• I've joined several closed Facebook groups for photographers and other creative business owners to have a sense of community 
• I signed up for a photographers retreat in April that I am super excited about! There is going to be yoga and headshots and collaborative styled sessions and I can't wait! 

So now you know where my comfort zone is, and what I'm doing to get out of it every once in a while! What is your super-outside-of-my-comfort-zone-but-really-good-for-me thing, and what are you doing to challenge yourself? 

--Sam 

Balancing Acts

I want to let you all in on a little secret... Are you ready? You're going to be shocked...

I'm a little bit of a workaholic. Okay, a lot of a workaholic. During 6+ months out of the year, I work 80+ hours per week. I've read all the articles on why self-care and not overworking yourself to death are so important. I've read these articles, and nodded at the sage-like advice, and even handed out that same advice on occasion, but yeah, I have a difficult time putting the concept of 'balance' into play in my own life. It is hard for me to give up control in my business, so I try to do it all, and because I love what I do, I also have a hard time putting work down even when I know I should. Can anyone relate? 

I'm going to start making some small changes though, and I wondered if any of you would like to join me? Loosen your grip on your laptop just a little bit (white knuckles, anyone?) and take a step back to evaluate, big picture, what you need in your life to stay healthy, productive, and sane.

Here are some things I'm personally going to try in the next month: 

Pick three things to outsource or delegate

It can be a conference call you don't need to be a part of at work, or outsourcing an aspect of your business that feels like a chore to you but is someone else's passion (accounting for instance), or it can be something as simple as asking your family for help around the house. You are amazing, but you are not literally the only person on the planet who can do all the things that you do. Find some things that someone else can help with, take a big gulp, and ask for help, or call in reinforcements in the form of outsourcing items that don't need to be on your plate alone! 

Do one nice thing for yourself every week

This can be hard. If you're like me, you may actually feel real guilt over doing nice things for yourself, if those things don't directly benefit others, but we can try re-frame that feeling. Our culture glorifies workaholic tendencies, but what if you could show  your kids, your friends, your employees a different, more balanced path? What if by doing something nice for yourself, and taking time for you on a regular basis, with no other goal in mind than self-care, you were actually partaking in a revolutionary act of shifting our culture, one bath at a time, from "you can rest when you're dead" to "regular rest and rejuvenation make the world a better place"? Just think about it, preferably while sipping a glass of wine in a bubble bath. 

just say no

We hear a lot of 'Just say yes' talk. It's super trendy lately. And I'm all for that, when what you're saying  yes to is more quality time with loved ones, more experiences, and more adventure, but perhaps this philosophy doesn't serve us as well when what we're saying yes to is actually more busy work, more sleep deprivation, and more obligations that don't fulfill us or serve an important purpose in our lives. So... maybe for a month, or even just a week, try saying a polite 'No thanks' to things that don't spark your interest or to things that you'd only be doing out of guilt. See what happens in this space? Maybe you'll have more breathing room for something that does spark your interest to come along. Or maybe you'll have more time to simply be, which is also really nice, and let's face it, when was the last time you just chilled out, sans phone, or computer screen, or someone else in the room? Can't remember? Same here, which is why maybe this is a good thing to practice. 

I'm going to do my best to try each of these things over the next month, and I'd love for you to join me! Tell me what works for you! What was successful? How do you step away from work and care for yourself? You just may share a tip that works magic in someone else's life. 

--Sam 

How We Became Wedding Photographers

Everyone has to get started somewhere, right?

We got our start in wedding photography almost by accident back in 2002, and let me tell you, it's been quite a ride since then! We thought it would be fun to tell you the story of how we fell into Wedding Photography all those years ago, and started our journey to being Real Life Wedding Photographers 14 years later! 

It all started with a phone call.

Rob and I were hanging out at a friend's house, and her daughter, Westen, was on the phone with an unnamed person, when we overheard the phrase

"Don't worry, Rob will take care of it." 

When we inquired what it was Rob might be taking care of, Westen informed us of three vital pieces of information, that ended up altering the course of our lives forever: 

1. She was getting married (We didn't even know she was seeing anyone!) 
2. The wedding was in 1 month (Whoa!) 
3. Rob and I were going to photograph it (What?!) 

Now Rob and I love photography, and have for as long as we can remember. I took more Polaroids during that period of my life than I can count (probably the reason I didn't have a savings account at the time, remember how expensive those were?!) and Rob had permanently borrowed a Canon film camera (film, ya'll) from his parents and was having a great time learning the ins and outs of 35mm. But we weren't photographers! We were two poor, college-age kids who owned a couple cameras and kind of sort of knew what to do with them, when the subjects were neat leaves and spooky graveyards and cats, not when the subjects were people! And someone's wedding day? No way! Too much pressure! 

So, naturally, we said no. No thanks, you'll need to hire a professional. Too scary, pass.

Clearly, this is not where our story ends. 

Westen pointed out that with less than 2 months to go, they would never be able to find another photographer, that we'd do fine, and that she wouldn't take no for an answer. So, with a generous helping of trepidation, we started planning to photograph our first wedding. 

The wedding day quickly came, Westen and Mark and their family and friends showed up in their finest, and we showed up armed with our two canon film cameras, a boat load of Kodak T-max film canisters, and crossed fingers. 

And wouldn't you know it, we made it through. No one died. Nothing exploded. And it was fun! Now, let's be real here, the pictures weren't great. I mean, we had no idea what we were doing! But if there is one thing we came out of that wedding with (besides a TON of film to develop) it was the realization that this wedding photography thing was pretty cool! 

Before we knew it, Westen and Mark began recommending us to people (bless their hearts), and after that, the rest is history. We went from photographing one wedding under duress to actually wanting to book weddings and to celebrate with couples! We found so much joy in telling the love stories our clients were kind enough to share with us. Along the way, we got better at photography, learned new skills, gained more experience, and eventually stopped feeling like frauds most of the time (impostor syndrome, the struggle is real)! 

When I look back on those photos from our very first wedding, sure I cringe a little because wow, are we a lot better at this now, but I also look at the photos with so much gratefulness that Westen and Mark gave us a chance, believed in us, and in doing so, changed our lives for the better. They were the first couple to share their love story with us, and invite us to be a part of their day, and we will be forever grateful for that opportunity, and for every love story we've been lucky enough to tell since.  

-- Sam