My Breast Reduction: Q&A

So you’re thinking about having a breast reduction…

Here’s a little Q&A about my experience with a breast reduction you might find helpful, and the whole story is here.

What made you decide to get a breast reduction?

I have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) which causes, among other things, chronic joint pain, joint instability, dislocations, and early-onset osteoarthritis. My large breasts were contributing to a huge amount of back pain and while a breast reduction wasn't a magic bullet, I can say that my back, shoulder, and neck pain has already been significantly reduced. Also, I just wanted to be able to move around in the world more easily. I wanted to be able to buy a bra in a normal store and not have it cost me $85 special-ordered off the internet. I'm now able to buy bras (and bralettes!) off the rack at target, even as a plus size babe, for like $10 or $15 and it's amazing. Exercising is so much easier, and frankly everything is easier with smaller boobs. I'm so happy with my decision.

What were you most worried about prior to surgery?

I was scared of lots of things. I've always been the girl with the big boobs, and I was worried I would look disproportionate with smaller ones (I'm a little more pear-shaped but I love it). I was worried the surgery recovery would be really difficult (and it was honestly, though not as bad as I thought). I was worried about more serious complications like losing a nipple (thankfully that's fairly uncommon, and I didn't have anything like that occur). I was worried that I'd be very self-conscious about my scars (they're certainly noticeable but I think they'll fade and they don't bother me). I was worried my husband would be less attracted to me (he loves the new girls, so this was an unfounded fear). I was worried I'd regret it for some other reason I couldn't even think of at the time (but I have literally no regrets).

How did you talk with your partner about the breast reduction before surgery?

This was easier in my case because he brought it up first, but it was still hard nonetheless. I was honest with him that I was concerned about whether he would find me as attractive, and that was very vulnerable to say, but it gave him plenty of opportunities to reassure me prior to surgery. If you have a partner who doesn't always know the "right" thing to say in those situations, it's okay to ask for the type of reassurance you need. I also set some boundaries around grieving my old boobs. I asked him to remember that if he ever missed my old boobs post-surgery, that this was perfectly normal and valid, but that it was really important that he not share those thoughts with me. He could talk about them with a close friend, write about them in a journal, whatever he needed to do, but it was important that I not hear something like that after surgery when I had no way of changing the fact that I had surgery. Luckily he loves my new boobs, as I hoped he would, but I think that was an important boundary to set ahead of time for my own mental well-being. I was also up front about the amount of help I would need during my recovery, so he could take some time off work and be prepared for taking on the bulk of the house duties during that time period.

Did you do anything to prepare for surgery that you would recommend for others going through this process?

Because of who I am as a person, I did a TON of research on my own, and as a part of an amazingly supportive Facebook group called Breast Reduction Surgery (Answer questions to join). It was so helpful to read people's stories and see over and over again how even people who had some serious complications (serious ones are rare) still did not regret the surgery, and were happier for having had it. This helped me feel more confident that I could get through the bad parts in order to be able to enjoy life more with smaller boobs. In my case, it was also helpful to use the Facebook group search function in my EDS groups to read about the breast reduction experiences of others with hEDS. This helped me get over my fear of major surgical complications (which are certainly more common in people with EDS/hEDS, but as one very wise woman wrote, "It may take us longer, but we do heal"). This next part sounds like a little thing, but it's really helpful. I took a lot of "before" photos (both with a bra and without a bra as well as in a few of my favorite outfits) so that I would have some comparisons during healing. It's easy to forget just how large your breasts were, and I wanted to be able to see the difference on days when maybe healing was going slower than I'd like, etc. It was very helpful to have these! I also started drinking a protein shake the week prior to surgery and continued supplementing protein through week 3 post-surgery, to aid in healing.

What items did you get ahead of time to prepare for recovery?

• A pregnancy pillow and/or a wedge pillow (I used both) to help me sleep elevated and reduce swelling

• Button up shirts (so I didn't have to lift my arms over my head)

• A flexible shower head and a shower head holder that could be put at torso height

• A shower stool (a lot of folks get dizzy the first few times they shower after surgery - I didn't end up feeling that way, but it was good to be prepared)

• Tylenol & Advil

• Stool Softener (pain meds and anesthesia can wreak havoc on a person's GI stuff, so best to have this on hand I thought)

• Bacitracin (not Neosporin - most surgeons don't recommend using Neosporin apparently)

• MediHoney (for wound openings)

• Aquaphor (also for wound openings)

• Impact Advanced Recovery Shakes (recommended by my surgeon) which are super gross but aid in post-surgery healing

• Core Power Chocolate Protein Shakes (much better tasting and cheaper than the Impact Advanced Recovery shakes, so I used them after the first week to keep my protein intake up without making myself gag)

• Medical gauze

• 8x11 ABD pads

• Soft tank tops to wear under the post-surgical bra (most people are sent home with a post-surgical compression bra following surgery, but the fabric isn't super soft)

• Dry shampoo (which I didn't need as much as I thought I would, but everyone is different, and I was glad I had it on hand just in case)

• BioOil and Biocorneum (for moisturization and scar treatment after all my incisions were fully closed)

• Cheap, comfy sports bras and supportive bralettes (for after I was cleared to stop wearing my post-surgical bra)

What was your starting bra size and what size are you now?

I started off at a 38H (though was likely a little bigger) and I'm currently measuring at a 38DD or 40D. I still have swelling though, so once I'm closer to six months out, I'll likely be closer to a 38D or 40C, which was exactly what I was hoping for.

How much did they remove during surgery?

I had 1000g removed on one side, and 1001g removed from the other, as well as 300ml on each side removed via lipo (which was included in the breast reduction procedure, targeted towards that "side boob" area). Right around 5lbs total was removed altogether.

Did you have a free nipple graft?

No. I was able to have a fairly large reduction without needing a free nipple graft. A free nipple graft is when they have to detach the nipple and areola entirely (severing the blood flow) and then graft it onto the re-formed breast after surgery. This is usually needed when breasts are not only large but very pendulous. It means that breast-feeding and nipple sensation would no longer be possible. The majority of breast reductions can be accomplished without a free nipple graft. If your surgeon insists that you need one, I would recommend getting a second opinion.

Did you lose any sensation after surgery?

For the most part, no. I have fully sensation in my right breast and nipple, and nearly full sensation in my left breast, with part of the nipple still numb (but responsive to temperature). It's likely that I'll regain full sensation by the time I'm six months post-op. Even if I don't, I'm still very happy with my results and have no regrets.

What were the hardest parts about post-surgical recovery?

There's the obvious stuff like being in pain, or not being able to get comfortable, having to sleep on my back (elevated) when I'm not a back sleeper (it was torture), and being exhausted all the time because my body was using a lot of energy to heal. The area where they did the side lipo was by far the most swollen and the most uncomfortable, and the most tender for the longest amount of time. But then there's the not so obvious stuff like not being able to hug my family, not being able to connect physicially with my partner, needing to sleep in a different room (in my case) to accommodate all the extra pillows I needed to get any good rest, and the emotional weight of healing lasting longer than I wanted it to. These are things I wasn't as prepared for (the hugging and physical connection especially). They're not insurmountable and again, I have no regrest about having the surgery, but there are some down sides at first that it's good to know about ahead of time. The other thing is how hard it is not to do too much too soon. Make sure you take it easy, and build in plenty of help for yourself if you can, especially if you're a parent, or have a very physical job to return to.

Does a breast reduction surgery make your stomach look bigger?

I mean... yeah, kind of. But here's the deal. Your tum was there the whole time, and there is nothing wrong with your tum. All tums are good tums. So will you see your stomach a bit more without giant breasts covering it up? Yes. But I'd gently encourage anyone holding off on surgery for this reason alone to think about their overall quality of life, and if seeing a bit more of a their tum is really more important than gaining some pain-free days back. I am personally embracing being a bit more pear-shaped now, and while I was worried about working through my emotions on this topic, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it might be, and when it does come up, I remind myself that my tum is awesome, and all my tops fit better, and that helps.

What's one thing you know how that you wish you'd know before surgery?

One thing I didn't know before surgery is that small openings are very common. So while I was more likely to have openings and wound healing complications/delays in general because of hEDS, it's not as though no one else ever has openings. They're super common, and it takes quite a while (5-6 weeks for most people, 8-10 weeks for me) to be "out of the woods" for openings. It can feel demoralizing to have an opening, but they're very common, and most heal on their own without major intervention. It's just part of the process. Healing from a breast reduction is a marathon, not a sprint.

What are some benefits you've noticed since surgery?

• I have not had my back go out once since surgery (almost 2 months ago) when it used to go out about once a week

• I can breathe so much easier

• All of my tops fit better (graphic t-shirts look MUCH better on me now)

• I can now buy $10 and $15 bras and bralettes off the rack at Target, which is a thing I could never dream of doing before

• It is so much easier to exercise, and so much more comfortable (TMI: less underboob sweat!)

• I can go braless if I want (again, a thing I never thought I'd be able to do)

• I have more confidence in general about how I look in clothing, and because my boobs aren't the first thing people notice about me now

What's the number one piece of advice you'd give someone considering a breast reduction?

Join a group where you can ask questions of people who have been there. Do your research and don't just focus on all the bad things that can happen, focus on how happy the vast majority of people are following their reductions. How it's changed their lives for the better. Talk with your doctor and see what the process might look like for you, and even if it's scary, remember that breast reductions have the highest patient satisfaction rate of just about any surgery performed by a plastic surgeon. Truly, this is a life-changing surgery, and if it's something you end up doing, I'm so happy for you, and you're going to do great!

-Sam

7 Gift Ideas for People with Chronic Illness

Sometimes small gestures of care and support can mean the world to someone dealing with chronic pain or illness

If you’re wondering what kinds of gifts might be useful for a friend or family member with chronic pain or illness, hopefully this little list can give you some ideas!

7 - Activities and creative distractions

When you’re suffering from chronic pain, fatigue, or illness (or all three), sometimes you need a little distraction or a way to keep your hands busy. If the person you’re shopping for wants a creative and funny outlet, check out these awesome coloring books and some colored pencils

Coloring Book: Unicorns are Jerks

Coloring Book: Mer-World Problems

Colored Pencils: Prismacolor 72 Colored Pencil Set

6 - Something cozy to sip on (and from)

There’s not much more comforting than a nice cup of tea or hot chocolate, and if you’re sipping it out of a great mug, one that keeps your hand warm even, it seems even better (or is that just me). If your friend or family member has chronic pain, small comforts are going to mean a lot, so check out some ideas for some cozy sipping!

Hot Chocolate: Land O Lakes Cocoa Classics Variety Pack

Tea: Yogi Stress Relief Herbal Tea Variety Pack

Mug: Handwarmer Mug

5 - Getting comfortable

Getting comfortable is hard AF when you’re in pain, and for some, temperature control can also be difficult, so how about helping someone by getting them set up with some body pillows and a heated blanket, complete with a little foot pocket?

Blanket: Heated Blanket with Foot Throw

Pillow: Full Body Pillow with Memory Foam Fiber

4 - reading material

Many people with chronic illnesses or chronic pain struggle with their body image. It can be difficult to love a body that gives you such a hard time. Here are a few reads that can help your friend or family member process the difficulty of chronic illness or disability, while supporting the idea that we’re all worthy and valuable, chronic illness or not.

Book: The Body is not an Apology

Book: How to be Sick

3 - Bath and spa time

Self-care isn’t all about baths and spa treatments, but it sometimes includes those things, and that’s great. If your friend or family member is able to take baths, I have some good recommendations below, but if not, there are also a few recommendations that can ‘bring the spa’ to them! If you want to really go all out, consider getting them a massage gift certificate!

Overflow Drain Cover (to give a few more inches of water in the bath): Bottomless Bath Overflow Drain Cover

Bath Salts: Dr. Teal’s Milk & Honey Epsom Salt Bath

Bath Bombs: 24 Organic Bath Bomb Set

Bath Pillow: Ultimate Relaxation Bath Pillow

Bath Tray: Royal Craft Wood Luxury Bathtub Caddy Tray

Foot Spa: Foot Spa Bath Massager with Heat

Back Scrubber: Exfoliating Back Scrubber

2 - Waterproof kindle

People with chronic illnesses spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting to feel better. Waiting at doctor’s offices. Waiting for test results. Waiting for meds to kick in. There’s just a crap ton of waiting. Sometimes it’s nice to have a light and easy e-reader to carry around that has some favorites books on it, so if you’re going for a larger gift, perhaps a waterproof kindle is a good way to go.

E-Reader: Kindle Paperwhite Waterproof E-Reader

1 - Your help and support

Here’s a secret you may not know about your friend or family member with a chronic illness; They need more help than they are asking for. Give them some help coupons, offer to assist them with household chores or errands, or just ask how you can best support them. It all helps, and means more to us folks dealing with chronic pain or chronic illness more than we can say.

—Sam

Late Summer Mix Tape: 2019 Edition

An Impermanence-Themed Mix

1. Ingrid Michaelson: Keep Breathing

2. Rilo Kiley: The Execution of All Things

3. Guster: What You Wish For

4. Nada Surf: Always Love

5. Neko Case: I’m an Animal

6. Ryan Adams & The Cardinals: Let It Ride

7. Clem Snide: All Green

8. Belly: Feed the Tree

9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: Echo

10. Laura Veirs: Spelunking

11. Iron & Wine: Flightless Bird, American Mouth

12. Lord Huron: Until the Night Turns

13. Lana Del Ray: Born to Die

14. The Weakerthans: Slips and Tangles

15. Yo La Tengo: Sugarcube

16. Sufjan Stevens: Casimir Pulaski Day

17. Annie Lennox & Steven Lipson: Don’t Let it Bring You Down

18. The Coral: Pass It On

19. Avenue Q Musical: For Now

Some Days are Better Than Others

Today was one of the ‘Others’

I had a rough night last night. Couldn’t sleep for anything, was having a pain flareup, had the start of a wicked headache (plus cramps, because being a lady is rad); you get the picture.

After clocking tops three hours of sleep combined, I decided to take the day to rest, and unsurprisingly felt incredibly guilty. Guilty for missing out on work I felt I should be doing, guilty for taking a day to not be productive (though I still watched some tutorials from bed and did dishes, so… Not entirely unproductive). The point is, I took a rare rest day, and felt so bad about it the entire time I basically ruined it.

All these thoughts go through my head in times like this. Thoughts that I’m a failure (for needing the rest) that I’m lazy (for not being productive enough), or that I’m a fundamentally bad person in some deep, intrinsic and ill-defined way. I enumerated in my head the ways in which I’m a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad business owner, a bad worker, a bad friend, and used my need for rest as yet another stick to beat myself with.

It can be so. damn. hard. to get out of that shame cycle once you’re deep in it, right? It always reminds me of this song by Emmylou Harris, Red Dirt Girl. There’s a line in the song that goes like this; “One thing they don’t tell you ‘bout the blues when you got ‘em, you keep on fallin’, cuz there ain’t no bottom, there ain’t no end.” It speaks so much to how I feel when I’m in the middle of one of these episodes.

I’ve been reading a lot of about self-compassion lately, and it just so happens that I was finishing a chapter on it while I was deep in my feels (you know, all the “you suck and you’re letting everyone down” feels), and I took a breath, and decided to ride it out. Decided I didn’t have to go deeper into Pit ‘O Shame, but could call it what it was, which is fundamentally untrue, while still honoring that I was feeling depressed about it. I did a sit (which is what we call meditating at my house, and I actually do it lying down because my back is so bad), hugged my husband and my kid, pet my kitty as much as she would let me, and just tried to recognize that this too shall pass.

The concept (and practice) of self-compassion is very new to me. I’m hard on myself as a general rule, and learning to give myself grace and the room to have, oh I don’t know, human needs and flaws and things, has been really difficult and really slow going.

I don’t have a snappy ending for this post, or even a point really, other than that depression and shame are hard, but wanted to get it out there in case anyone else is struggling too. You’re not alone, this being a human being shit is not for the faint of heart, and even when it feels like you couldn’t possibly, I hope that you can find just a teeeeeeeny bit of self-compassion within you, and use that to start to work your way back up out of that dark place. Start small, remind yourself you’re a human being and you’re doing the best you can, and let’s see where we both go from there.

-Sam

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Awareness

Photo by the fabulous Krista @ Hove Photography!

Getting Used to a New Normal...

My son and I were recently diagnosed with a rare, incurable, and degenerative condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and I've found myself without much time to sit down and think about what I wanted to write to help bring awareness to this rare (or at least rarely diagnosed) genetic condition. 

First, let me start by saying that, broadly, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) is a group of inherited connective tissue disorders that impacts skin, joints, blood vessel walls, the digestive system, and basically most every other part of the body as well. The defining characteristic of all types of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is a genetic defect in how our bodies produce and repair collagen. Which, before knowing what I know now, wouldn't have sounded like that big of a deal really, but it turns out, hearty collagen is super important to basically everything in your body.

Collagen is found everywhere in the body, and therefore, nearly every system of the body is impacted in some way. And because of the wide variety of systems that are impacted, no two people with EDS have exactly the same symptoms, making the syndrome incredibly hard to diagnose. The average amount of time for a person to be diagnosed with EDS from the time they first begin discussing the seemingly unrelated symptoms with their doctor(s) is twelve years. Let me repeat; TWELVE YEARS. I've been lucky in that way. While I've had many (many!) years of odd and uncomfortable symptoms, from the time my health started to nosedive a little more drastically to the time I was diagnosed was less than a year. So in that respect, I feel very fortunate. I certainly went through many years though where I was essentially told that there was nothing wrong with me, or that perhaps I was just tired because I was a mom (*insert giant eye roll cuz overt sexism*). Having a diagnosis now at least allows me to plan, as best I can, and it also allowed Ben to be diagnosed more quickly than he might otherwise have been because Ehlers-Danlos often has a dominant inheritance pattern (depending on the sub-type - more on that below).

There are currently 13 known sub-types of EDS. Ben and I have been diagnosed with the most common sub-type; EDS Hypermobility type (or hEDS). Common symptoms of this particular sub-type of EDS include extreme joint hypermobility (and here I thought being flexible was a good thing), chronic joint pain, chronic fatigue, frequent dislocations and partial dislocations, easy scarring, easy skin tearing, poor wound healing, digestive issues (I'll leave that broad, but it's rough), and a whole host of other things, including comorbidities such as Mast Cell Activation Syndrome and Postural Orthostatic Tachychardia Syndrome (which is super fun, let me tell you). 

Now for the bad news. This is a genetic condition. There is no cure (no seriously). Taking collagen supplements won't help because my body will always produce faulty collagen no matter how many good building blocks I give it. Eating a different diet might be good for me, but it won't cure EDS. Exercising, in some cases, can be downright harmful, so Ben and I have to be very careful how we get in physical activity, and really listen to our bodies. More bad news... This is a degenerative condition. While no two individuals with EDS have the same journey, it's not being negative or overly pessimistic to say that, over time, my health (and unfortunately Ben’s too) will continue to get worse. My best hope is to use the best practices currently available (physical therapy, occupational therapy, regular massage, regular low to no impact exercise, knowing my limitations with physical activity, etc.) to slow the decline as much as possible, and do what I can to maintain as good of a quality of life as I can, for as long as I can. I'm really working hard on it (which in and of itself is exhausting). 

I don't say any of this to get sympathy, and DEFINITELY don't mistake this for an invitation to give me suggestions on what herbs we should be taking (my treatment plan is something my doctors and I work hard on together, and I'm not inviting anyone else to the party), but I want to spread the word about this rare and often misunderstood condition, because the more I learn about EDS, the more I think it's not quite as rare as it seems, and it could be just that it's rarely diagnosed. Awareness is key to more research, and better outcomes for those of us living with EDS. 

If you'd like to learn more about EDS, here are some excellent resources: 

• Hands-down, THE best explanation of EDS I've found that's in plain language. This is something I've sent family and friends to help them get a better understanding of what EDS is and the impact that it has: https://slingsandarrowsofoutrageousfortune.wordpress.com/eds101/

• The Ehlers-Danlos Society, which provides a wealth of resources for both patients and their doctors and other providers: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/awareness-2018/

• The Facebook support group. Which I know sounds weird, but let me tell you, there are SOOOOO many weird things that happen to your body when you have EDS that it can be immensely helpful to talk with folks who really get what you're going through: https://www.facebook.com/groups/152615741473177/

If this is something you too are living with, just know that there are people out there going through the same thing. Find those people, because we help each other get through the really tough days. If a loved one of yours has EDS, do everything you can to educate yourself about this condition, so that you can be a loving support for them, and make sure you have someone to talk with as well!

And lastly, if you've made it to the end, thank you. This is a tough journey to be on, and the more awareness we can raise, the better. Please share, and get the word out, both in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Awareness Month, and any month of the year. 

--Sam 

Winter Mix Tape: 2017-2018 Edition

A little mix to get you through the winter...

1. Guided by Voices: Things I will Keep
2. Rogue Wave: Bird on a Wire
3. Joni Mitchell: Come in From the Cold
4. Jagwar Ma: Uncertainty
5. Stereo MC's: Connected
6. Wolf Parade: Shine a Light
7. Laura Veirs: Secret Someones
8. Iron & Wine: Cinder and Smoke
9. Sea Wolf: Whirlpool
10. Broken Social Scene: Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl
11. OK Go: I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe
12. Say Hi: November Was White, December Was Grey
13. Lord Huron: Meet Me in the Woods
14. The Black Keys: Everlasting Light
15. Wintersleep: Laser Beams
16. Pete Yorn: Strange Condition
17. The National: Anyone's Ghost
18. Fleet Foxes: White Winter Hymnal
19. Nada Surf: Icebox

Play Time: 1 hour, 17 minutes 

Stranger Things and Childhood Memories

Working out the puzzle of creating lasting childhood memories 

As a mom who not only runs a small business, but also has a full time (okay, more than full time) day job, it can be an uphill battle to make sure I'm spending enough quality time with Ben. Not just movies and meals (though those things are fun and important too), but really creating some good childhood memories for him. 

I was talking with my Dad about this the other day, and it seems to me that the childhood memories that really stand out for me, the good ones anyway, are the things that were out of the ordinary. The strange but harmless situations in childhood that seemed so special that they've always held a place in my heart and in my mind. 

Like the times my Mom and I drove cross-country to the Teton mountains each summer for a retreat and stopped at every roadside attraction along the way. Or the time my Dad and Stepmom decided on a whim to take my Stepbrother and I for a walk to the park, at midnight, in the rain, in downtown Dayton, OH, and let us play in the mud and on the park for 30 minutes or so and then walked us back home. Or holding a 'seance' with pre-teen friends at a sleepover with a ouija board  and some candles after watching 'Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II', a most ridiculous horror movie. Or the time Dad spent a spring break with me in my senior year driving around to different historical sites and museums in Ohio and reading (re-reading for him) and comparing notes on The Frontiersman. 

Sure, you remember the really bad stuff, and the normal nice stuff is there too (like hugs and lunches and such), but some of my absolutely favorite childhood memories are special things like that, and I want to give Ben those types of memories too, so this past Saturday, on a whim, I took him to House on the Rock (which was also my first time visiting even though I've lived in Madison 11 years now). I took him to a special place for lunch, and then we went and explored the House on the Rock attraction (the whole 9 yards, all of the exhibits, the gardens, etc.) It was weird as hell. If you haven't been there, and you live in Wisconsin, you should check it out, if for no other reason than to experience the weirdness.

Strange things make for strong memories, and I think Ben is going to remember touring this weird place with me when he's older. Maybe he'll think of it fondly, the way I think of visiting weird or unique places with my parents. I hope I can help him create some lasting memories, the kind you speak of with happiness (and not in a therapy session, though I'm sure he'll have some of those too because being a parent doesn't come with a manual and we're all screwing it up sometimes). 

What sorts of memories do you really want to make with your kids? Are there any special locations or experiences you really want them to have? Books you really want them to read? Music you'd love for them to listen to? Go out and make it happen, one experience at a time, and I'm going to try and do the same. 

--Sam 

I'm So Tired...

...I haven't slept a wink

I used to listen to the Beatles' song "I'm so tired" on repeat when I was up with Ben (3-7 times a night) for the first two years of his life. It was oddly comforting. 

I go through periods in my life where I experience fairly extreme fatigue. In fact, I don't think I've felt "well-rested" since before Y2K. Now is one of those periods. I've been so exhausted lately, it's hard to keep my eyes open even while I'm walking, and it takes real effort not to fall asleep in the middle of conversations. Hence why I missed a blog post last week, and have been MIA on Instagram.

Being this tired has me musing about how it can be so easy, particularly on Social Media, to pretend like life is really glamorous, and that we're all really successful and happy and awesome all of the time. Well, I just want to be honest with you all and say that, just like every other human on the planet, life is not always easy or glamorous in my experience. It's hard, messy, complicated, weird, beautiful, fierce, and delicate, all at once, and I don't always feel successful or happy even. It's a white-flag-waving kind of week (or month or whatever), the kind that makes you say "Enough! Enough!" and maybe cry a little (and maybe eat too much chocolate, I dunno, you do you), and so it's time to just be real. 

So, with that in mind, here I am. Life is not glamorous or easy, and I'm not feeling particularly successful right in this moment. I'm breaking out, I'm exhausted, my health is not amazing at the present time, and I feel vulnerable and on edge. 

Life isn't a perfect 280 characters on Twitter, it's not an amazingly curated snapshot on Instagram, it's not a well-liked post on Facebook; It just is what it is, and the best thing, I think, we can do for one another, besides the basics like being kind, not murdering people, and disavowing racists and nazis, is to be honest when things are hard instead of always feeling the need to pretend they're perfect. They're not perfect. I'm letting you off the hook, blog readers. My life isn't perfect, yours isn't either, and it's totally okay to be honest about that.  

Go forth, my friends, and let someone else off the hook today by being real, and imperfect. I bet they need it. 

--Sam 

Bad feelings are a feature, not a bug

Why positive thinking isn't always helpful or necessary

Anyone else get annoyed when someone tells you to "cheer up" when you're feeling down, or going through a rough time? 

Stop me if you've heard these ones before (or said them, we're not judging here): 

• "There's always a silver lining"
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "It could always be worse"
• "Snap out of it" 
• "You'd feel better if you just exercised/meditated/did yoga/ate better/prayed/etc."

It can be frustrating to hear these things even if some of them may be kind of true, because it feels like the person saying them is minimizing whatever it is you're feeling. Whether that's grief, sadness, anxiety, illness, you name it. When the folks you love (or random people who talk to you at Target) tell you some version of "Think positively!" it can be hard not to roll your eyes or maybe cry a little because all you want is for someone to really get what you're going through, or at least give you the space you need to feel the f*ck out of your feelings. 

'Bad' feelings, like anger, sadness, anxiety, grief, etc. are all totally normal feelings, that serve an important purpose for human beings moving about in the world. One of the many important functions these feelings serve is as a contrast to what we think of as pleasant feelings like love, happiness, joy, and so on. You don't know how wonderful joy can be if you've never experienced sorrow. Negative feelings also allow us an important opportunity (should we choose to accept it) to really process what's going on in our heads and hearts, and work through some shit. Lord knows we all have some to work through. These feelings are a part of the human condition, not a hindrance to it. Stuffing those feelings down and pretending they don't exist, or someone asking you to do that, is not only unnecessary, but also unhelpful in the long run, and liable to backfire. 

So that's good news, but it's also a mixed bag (see me not putting a 100% positive spin on this?). It's a mixed bag because you can let yourself off the hook from basically just needing to pretend you're fine all the time (spoiler alert: you're not), but now what the heck are you supposed to do? You've been told since forever that to feel better, you needed to think positively, and eventually you'd be happier (magically, like you're a wizard). Sometimes it might have even worked. But if you know deep down it mostly doesn't work, and you're trying to be better about acknowledging and respecting your own feelings and working through them, now what are you supposed to do to feel better when you're having a tough time? 

Try gratitude and gentleness (with yourself). 

You know what's cool about being grateful? Gratitude doesn't require that you pretend everything is super great to be able to appreciate it. And no, you don't have to 'be grateful' for things like cancer (which should be a given but some people take even gratitude a bit too far), but you can choose small things to be grateful for, even on some pretty tough days. Sometimes it's just coffee. And sometimes it's that you have a roof over your head and a family who loves you. Sometimes it's how your dog always lets you snuggle with him and call him names other than his actual name. Could be anything. Start with just one thing, then see how many other things you can be grateful for. The nice thing about this approach is that there is no reason that bad feelings and gratitude can't co-exist! You can work through your not-so-great feels in your own time, while you give yourself the leeway to feel good about something. Something big, something small, doesn't matter. Gratitude helps to ground us when the bad seems to outweigh the good. While you're doing all that, be gentle with yourself, even when other people may not understand. Seek out those who are supportive of you and what you're going through.

And most importantly, don't let other people consciously or unconsciously bully you out of your feelings when they preach a 'positive thoughts only' approach. Negative feelings are part of the human experience as well (which is not always easy), and they're a feature, not a bug. 

--Sam

Come In From The Cold

Do you ever feel like a tourist in your own life? 

And not in a fun "Oh isn't my life exciting?!" kind of way. More like a feeling of maybe not quite fitting in, or just being on the outside looking in. 

I have a particular affinity for a Joni Mitchell song called "Come in From the Cold", and of course the lyrics are amazing, because Joni Mitchell is a ridiculously talented artist, but also because a chorus proclaiming "All I ever wanted was just to come in from the cold..." really speaks to me in a way I can't quite put my finger on. 

This vague 'outside looking in' feeling persists in most situations, and has, for most of my life. Feeling like a guest instead of at ease when visiting family in states I no longer call home. Not feeling queer enough in LGBTQ spaces because I'm married to a man and so it isn't apparently obvious that I'm not straight. Feeling a little out of place in the leadership team at my 9-5 work because I don't have a college degree, don't own a single power suit, and am not particularly good at networking. Feeling like an outsider in creative circles because I get nervous around large groups of people, particularly people I feel are considerably more talented and successful than I am, and so have a hard time not just reverting to quiet observation instead of interaction.

I don't know what makes that feeling go away. I thought it would be achieving some measure of success, so I would feel "legitimate", but, unless I just haven't hit the right level of success yet, I don't think that's it. So, if it's not success that makes imposter syndrome go away, then how does one overcome that uncomfortable feeling of not belonging? Asking for a friend. (Just kidding, all my friends have their shit together way more than I do, or at least are very confident in not having their shit together). 

I wish I knew what the magic combination of success, confidence, talent, and stick-to-itiveness is that makes one feel like they have a definitive right to take up space in circles they would be otherwise welcome in, save for their own inhibitions and fears. Since I don't have that recipe yet, I'm just taking it one step at a time. I'm attending regular creative entrepreneur meetings, I'm having fun with our photography clients and continually learning better ways to serve them, I'm attending Pride parades and equality marches, I'm doing my best at my daytime work to not feel like a fraud, though I draw the line at purchasing un-ironic power suits. And what else can one do really, besides keep moving forward? 

What do you do that helps you when imposter syndrome comes on strong or when you feel like an outsider? If you do nothing else, just remember that you're not alone. 

--Sam 

Some Days You Just Don't Have It

Like Today, For instance. 

Today I don't have it. To be honest, I didn't really have it yesterday either. I'm not 100% sure what it is, but likely, it's some combination of patience, energy to do things, and time to do them.

My celebration of Mother's Day was largely the receiving of the sweetest Mother's Day card known to mom-kind from my amazing kiddo, Ben, and then building a fort outside in the hammock using blankets and pillows and then snuggling in said fort for a ridiculously long portion of the day, shirking my responsibilities (like blog writing and laundry folding). I didn't have it that day either, and felt guilty about not doing much of anything, even though it was Mother's Day, and even though I finished editing a wedding for a wonderful couple!

The mother of a friend of Ben's messaged me the other day to apologize for missing Ben's birthday party. Her excuse? The had a house fire and are currently living in a hotel. A freaking house fire. And she's apologizing to me about missing Ben's birthday party. 

Women do this to themselves Every. Damn. Day. Every day, we feel guilty for not doing more, not being more, not having unlimited emotional and physical resources to give to our loved ones, our friends, or hell, even strangers. We exhaust ourselves with a laundry list of expectations (pun intended) and work ourselves practically to death, or at least to illness. Speaking of illness, we secretly don't mind getting sick because it's the only time we can rest at least a little guilt free (maybe). 

Recognizing this, I'd still be lying if I said I was going to stop. I'm probably not. And neither are you. But I can get a little more honest about it. Try to catch myself doing it a little more. Give myself a little more grace to have off days (yes days, plural). And I hope you will too. 

And I know this isn't the world's best blog post, but hey, some days you just don't have it. And that's okay. 

--Sam 

9 Things I'm Afraid Of

Admitting it is the first step... 

It's easy as a small business owner, a creative, a mom, and a woman to pretend like I have it all together. Some days I might even actually have it all together (or most of it). But other days... Other days it's all I can do to get dressed and not yell at anyone. Some days it's hard not to let my fears win. So, I'm stepping out on a limb here and guessing that many of you have felt the same way from time to time. Afraid, overwhelmed, frustrated. And I want you to know that you're not alone. I'll kick us off with 9 things I personally am really afraid of. 

1. Missing out on my son's childhood 

As any working parent knows, mom (or dad) guilt can creep in at any time, and the hours you spend working, or even desperately trying to catch up on some sleep, can make you feel guilty when you see how quickly your children are growing up. Let alone carving out personal self-care time (ha!). The advice I've been trying to give myself, and that I'll give you here, is to take a deep breath. Recognize that you're doing the best you can. Make little efforts to be more present with your children when you are spending time with them, and that's what they'll remember. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway. 

2. Never being good enough

Admittedly, I have classic over-achiever syndrome, which has led me to some really significant accomplishments but also some really neurotic thinking about what "good enough" really means. (Hint: It doesn't mean perfect, even though sometimes that's how it feels.) I have a tendency to never view anything I do as good enough, and that leads me into my next fear...

3. Being Unlovable

There, I said it. Unlovable. That's probably one of my biggest fears right there, maybe at the root of all my other ones to be honest. This fear presents itself in the worry that if I'm not perfect (and of course, no one is), that I won't be lovable. That's it's not who I am that matters, but what I do. This type of thinking is a slippery slope, because if to be loved, one has to be perfect, then  that means there's no hope of being loved. Now, I know that isn't really true, and that feelings aren't facts, but that's a mighty big feeling to just ignore, and it's something I work on constantly. 

4. That I won't be taken seriously as a creative business owner because I still have a full-time job 

This is a tough one. I love my job! I work for an employee-owned benefits administration company that has a strong female leadership team, and a great atmosphere. I have 14 people that work directly for me, and I really appreciate them, and love the opportunity to help them develop professionally! But there's a big stigma for small business owners that you haven't "made it" until you've quit your day job to do your creative pursuits full-time. And honestly, I have bought into that lie in the past, and still do sometimes. But, what that stigma doesn't take into account is the unique circumstances we all find ourselves in. A person might love their creative career as an outlet, but need a more steady income than it can provide on it's own. Why shouldn't they do both? Another creative business owner might have a strong passion for both their day job and their creative work, and if that's the case, why should they have to limit themselves? I used to hide the fact that I had a full-time job and I'm super done with that. I'm going to try to normalize and de-stigmatize creatives who do more than one thing, because if anyone can pull that off, it's small business owners who know how to get creative with their time! 

5. That I won't be able to stop obsessing about my weight 

I have struggled with weight for as long as I can remember, and while I exercise more regularly, and eat more healthily, than I ever have in my life, I'm at one of my highest adult weights right now. I don't hold these types of unrealistic standards for other people, but going back to that 'never good enough' fear, I feel like not being able to lose weight is an outward expression of me failing at... something? Not exercising hard enough or often enough (even though I'm very consistent). Not restricting myself enough (I live in Wisconsin for goodness sake! Do you know how much cheese there is here?!) And while I have struggled with this, and will likely continue to struggle with it, I've been really trying to remind myself that a life well-lived is worth more than a number on the scale. I exercise, I eat healthily most of the time, and I can still enjoy a brownie or a beer and the world isn't going to end. And the world isn't going to end if I can't fit into those jeans again. And on the flip side, my life isn't going to suddenly start just because I lose weight. My life is now, and I'll enjoy it whatever size I am, and hope that my friends and family love me unconditionally enough to support that stance. 

6. Failure

I get it. Most of us are afraid of failure. I mean, it's FAILURE, of course it's scary. I'm afraid that maybe I'm not actually good at anything or maybe I'm not cut out to be a small business owner or a manager or <insert whatever thing I'm currently worried about> and the list goes on and on and on. I don't really have any words of wisdom other than failing doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you unworthy. And if I do fail (as I sometimes will), it's the fact that I can learn from that and move forward that is important, not avoiding failure in the first place, which, as we all well know, isn't always possible. 

7. Success

Yeah, I know. Seems weird to be afraid of success when you're really worried about failure, but hear me out. What if I'm successful and then more people are counting on me and then I mess up?! What if I'm successful and it turns out that all those times I failed before were because I wasn't trying hard enough or I wasn't perfect or because I ate that second (okay, third) cookie. What then? Well... Who cares. It's fine. I'll be as successful as I can be, and accept failure graciously when it happens (probably with some crying because that's how I roll), and then move on about my day. It's the only thing to do really. 

8. That I will witness or experience something completely wacky and that no one will believe me

Okay, this is a silly fear, admittedly, but seriously! Hasn't anyone else ever worried about this? It used to keep me up at night as a teenager worrying that something really weird would happen, I'd tell someone about it, and they'd have me locked up because they thought I was crazy. This is still an irrational fear that plagues me from time to time, and I just have to acknowledge it, and let it pass, and kind of chuckle at myself for being a little silly. 

9. That people will find out I'm a fraud 

Impostor Syndrome; The struggle is real. I feel like a kid who is playing dress-up like 90% of the time. I didn't feel like a real adult when I started my business or had my kid or bought my house or got a divorce or got a 'real' job or got remarried or any of those things. Which means I'm starting to think there isn't anything I'm going to be able to do to feel legit anytime soon. I constantly worry about people thinking I'm a fraud or that I don't belong <insert some place I totally do probably belong>.  So, since I'm not likely to stop feeling like a fraud or an outsider, the least I can do is be myself, even if I'm sometimes kind of immature, sometimes kind of an old lady (8 PM bedtime anyone?) and sometimes just a weird, goofy person. If I'm as authentic as possible, and people still don't like or respect me, at least they don't like and respect the real me, and I can live with that. 

So there, friends. Those are 9 of my biggest fears, some silly, some not, but all a big part of who I am. Be brave today and share one of your fears in the comments section. *solidarity* 

--Sam